I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, a lot of soul searching, and I've realised that evryone in the world can be put into one of two categories. They are either idiots who watch Big Brother, or idiots who don’t watch Big Brother.

I shall start with the second type, for they are the worst.

Cultural Elite

They ride around on their flimsy high horses, posturing with their cheap Tesco Value displays of cultural integrity, sneering at both the ‘type’ of people you get appearing on the show, and the type of people who watch it. They self righteously huff and puff their knee jerk opinions as though they are the authority on acceptable moral and social conduct.

What is it with people and opinions? Why do they have to walk about cluttering our world with them? They’re utterly horrible things; ill thought-out guffs of emotion barely filtered out into some vaguely cohesive structure, spaffed out into the world almost as soon as they were conceived. Horrible. The exact same description could be used to describe people in general actually.

(It’s worth noting here; I do not have opinions, I have facts).

Anyway, back to these wannabe satirists. By criticising the show so blanketly and with such scorn, they are basically just succumbing to snobbery. They think they’re clever, clever enough to have seen through the transparency of the show’s tawdry and crude manifesto. They can see the strings of manipulation that fool the average brain-dead viewer – but not them. No. They’re too cynical and world weary for that. Hell, give them a slot on Have I Got News for You - I’d love to hear their wry observations of the absurdities of the modern world.

Why the hatred? Well, cynicism is basically one elaborate superiority complex. By being cynical about something you are elevating yourself above it, so far above it that you can deconstruct it and understand it more completely than the average unwashed. Clever, informed cynicism does this successfully. However, nowadays people know cynicism is fashionable and intellectual, so they blindly adopt such stances. It’s lazy intellectual posturing. If we’re going to be cynical about anything, let’s be cynical about the cynics. I mean cynicism, supposedly a slightly subversive and sophisticated attitude, is flavour of the month. Does this not dilute it to mere mediocrity?

This is especially pertinent for Big Brother. People who judge contestants have rarely even seen the show. They automatically label people on there as morons, as the lowest of the low. However, these contestants are merely a reflection of the rest of us. A large majority would comfortably fit into a lot of respectable social groups. Their neurosis and shortcomings are no more obvious than everyone else’s. However, the scorn they get you’d think these people would be social pariahs, conspicuous at any event as the one sat in the corner picking their bum-hole, singing songs about tits and penises.

My point is, sure, hate the people on Big Brother, but do it after watching them. Then at least you will have reason to do so, rather than it stemming from knee-jerk prejudice encouraged by media criticism and general public opinion.

This brings me onto my second point; people who are idiots who watch Big Brother.

Conditioned Viewer Drones

I myself am in this category, and I can offer myself no excuses for my behaviour. Why do I continue to watch? As mentioned, there are close to zero likable housemates left, and I approach each viewing of the show with regret and trepidation. I don’t even enjoy it anymore. It’s like some sort of punishment for myself, given my staunch defence of the series I have to subject myself to it. I’m like a Nazi who refuses to believe Hitler’s dead.

Having started off with a bad crop of housemates, all selected to be unlikable rather than likable, any vaguely interesting characters have gone. The only positive is that all the people there are annoying for different reasons, providing a glimmer of light for the observing sadist in my brain.

There’s Rachel, who’s so bland and… actually that’s it... she is in fact just so bland that she can’t even arouse another disparaging adjective from me. Watching her is the televisual equivalent of chewing cardboard. She’s a nice enough person, but every time she’s on screen I feel like I have to push my finger through my ear and into my brain just to give it a little tickle to stop it actually dying there and then.

Just.. Bell-end

However, Rachel isn’t quite as annoying to watch as are Rex and Nicole, who similarly make me want to reach my finger into my brain – only this time to gouge away chunks of it until I fall into some kind of coma. They’re both so infuriating. Rex is the worst, and it’s almost too easy to find fault in.

I mean, if you were to write a television show or a film, and you created a character like Rex, you’d be laughed out of Hollywood for creating an unrealistic caricature of unlikability. Your writing skills would be criticised as childish, simple, and crude. However, Rex is not fictional, he is real. And he is in no way laughable.

This is a type of guy who will be moderately successful in the world. Even without the blatant nepotism involved in getting him his high position salary, Rex’s unbridled arrogance and self belief would probably have got him into high places in the business environment. And, for the record, he is not intelligent. Just because he can speak, and can deliver arguments with confidence, it does not mean that he is in any way right, or indeed clever. You cannot be clever and so desperately unlikable.

Rex will do well with women as well. Even disregarding Nicole, Rex is appealing to a lot of females in the population. Not only have countless female friends of mine pledged support and admiration of the guy, but it was painfully obvious that in the house he had a lot of women drawn to him. Sara particularly. Even when he blanketly said she wasn’t sexy, instead of rationally thinking, “Wow, what a steaming dickhead,” Sara sat there trying to justify to herself, Rex, and anyone listening why he might have said that.

I mean, Rex is the archetypal jerk who gets the girls. Such a cliché, but it’s never more apparent. There’s something about rampant arrogance, cockiness and insensitivity that appeals to certain women, almost at a primal level. These men will succeed, they will get women, and will end up in relationships until the poor girlfriend realises how horrible said person actually is, and leaves with her confidence in tatters.

A phrase often used against men is that we “think with our penises.” Well, get this, a lot of women simply “think with their vaginas.” By going for alpha male dickwads like Rex they are going on nothing more than unfiltered hormones.

Oh relax. I don’t mean it. I just need a girlfriend.

But anyway, I will end on Nicole. While I feel sorry for her treatment at the hands of Rex, she got herself into that situation. She went out with Rex. Too dull to develop a personality, Nicole grabbed at the nearest one she could find – Rex. Any traits of her own she has shown to be all negative ones – she is mean spirited, mocking, spiteful, self absorbed and enjoys the misfortune of others.

Her and Rex deserve each other. It’s a good thing really, that they’ve paired off. They’ve effectively siphoned themselves off from the rest of us, into their own coupley isolation.

The only fear is that they might procreate.


I apologise for this being substandard and shit (Or, depending on your opinion of any other of my scribblings, just shit). My general distaste for the show has manifested itself into a very forced and uninspired rant.