Originally Posted 3rd July 2008
Another week, another housemate kicked out for disgusting, disgraceful behaviour, the type of which left viewers and fellow housemates with an understandably nasty taste in their mouth – one which they probably wanted to spit out and be done with. Yes, last week things escalated beyond all civility and common decency, and Sylvia was voted out.
Oh, Dennis got chucked out too, but we’ll come onto that later.
Sylvia
I never really liked Sylvia, despite her being pretty (this makes me some kind of saint yeah? Or at least a sympathetic feminist? No?). I think it’s her name. Just hearing it conjures up Cruella De Ville-imagery in my head - maybe it’s because it seems such a ssslimy name, all snakelike and devious with it’s evil S’s and V’s. If I was a halfway respectable writer I’d research the origins of its phonetic and etymological shortcomings, but I am not, so instead I will leave you to ponder the fact that in the Harry Potter series, the school house that all the evil wizards fall into is called ‘Slytherin.’ Slytherin.... Sylvia... pretty much the same word when you think about it. Actually, don't think about it too hard, but it is pretty much the same word. If that is not proof of Sylvia being a terrible terrible person, I don’t know what is.
Actually, thinking about it properly, it's probably laced with negativity because the word 'sly' is anagrammed in there; as is 'vile' if you try hard enough. I bet dyslexics across the country have an absolutely irrational hatred of the woman without ever quite knowing why.
The Fight
The main drama this week though was, as mentioned, Thursday night's fight. All started over Rex messing with Jennifer’s picture of Stuart. Actually, no, that’s an injustice. It all started with Jennifer, pure and simple. The painting is, as Mohamed found to his cost, irrelevant. The whole thing purely started because Jen needed some attention.
Official BB columnist Grace Dent speculated that Jen only harboured such resentment to Rex because he committed the crime of not fancying her. Simple as that. It makes sense, Jen, as sophisticated and ‘above it’ as she thinks she is, loves nothing more than leading on her fawning army of drooling boys just to reinforce her already healthy ego. Although she knocks Dale back frequently, she will also shamelessly lead him on.
“What would you do if I go Dale?”
“I dunno.”
“Would you be upset?”
“I dunno, it’s not worth thinking about.”
“No, but would you be upset?”
“Let’s not think about it, I don’t even want to think about it.”
“Noo, but let’s say you had to.”
“Yeah I’d be devastated”
“Awwww, that’s such a sweet thing to say. Aww… Now leave me alone. I have a kid don’t you know, and I don't think you're ready enough, old enough, or good looking enough to bring him up.”
With this in mind, it does add up that without such attention you would not be in Jen’s good books. Hey, she’s the only person so far to nominate Mikey. Sure, she said it was down to his outspoken and sometimes misogynisitc opinions, but tell the truth Jen. It's cos he's blind isn't it? It's cos he's blind and he will never, ever fancy you.
Anyway, she was clearly to blame for the whole thing, and to see her huddled around afterwards, her and Sylvia crying together like some sort of war refugees, sniping at the likes of Rex and Darnell was just despicable. She’ll be going this week.
Hair
The thing is though, even though he was innocent in the big argument, I hate Mohamed too. He’s a buffoon. He strolls around giggling and guffawing at childishly inane things. He has a schoolground mentality; the type of person who causes ill-judged mischief in an attempt to pass his nervous and insecure giddiness onto others. Draw a crude picture of a pair of breasts on a wall and he’d be transfixed for hours chortling to himself. Maybe he’s just simple – maybe his brain powers are being diverted away to somehow support his bouffant hairstyle.
In fact, what is it with that haircut? It’s a paradigmatic example of ‘wacky’ and ‘zany’. Maybe even ‘bombastic,’ a word so utterly reprehensible I can’t even hear it without being a little sick in my mouth. But yes, Mo’s afro is something people who would describe themselves as ‘random’ would sport. You know the type? You must do. Go on, have a think, you must have met them – yes, yep – that’s right - dickheads. Spot on. The sort of people who spell crazy as ‘kerrrazzzyyy,’ or party as ‘partaayyyy.’ The sort of people who’s favourite letter of the alphabet would be ‘z,’ because it’s so fucking out there.
I’m not sure if Mohamed actually said this, or if I imagined it in some nightmarish dream sequence, but here’s a quote I want to share anyway: “I only have a big haircut because of my big personality.”
No. No, no no. No. Mohamed, in actual fact, you only have a personality because of your fucking haircut. You are really totally, totally bland. Your haircut is an excuse, an excuse for having nothing else. It’s an illusion, an illusion that can only fool the type of people who watch and enjoy The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The type of people who just lurrvve fancy dress. The type of people who have no brain.
It reminds me of another of this year’s reality TV bunch, this time Lucinda from BBC One’s The Apprentice. Notable for the fact that she often wore an ensemble of clothes so bright that even Mario’s skin cells would tut to themselves and look upon them as exuberant, she trotted around proudly in her rap-trap, haphazard outfits with the confidence of a woman who thought she was really breaking conventions and letting her individuality shine.
One particular moment stuck in my head though. In a mock interview, she was questioned about her unusual fashion, and she said “I just think it’s important to recognise that you can have a personality and work in business.” A fair point, but you’re missing the point Lucinda. You're really really missing the point. What she should realise is that you can have a personality without dressing in bright clothes. It’s so obvious! I mean, what are these people, fucking bees? Bright colours are not all there is to life.
Nor is big hair. If I wanted to see something like that, I’d go and look at a hedge. At least I wouldn’t risk being distracted by an imbecilic brain hovering somewhere beneath it muttering vague philosophies about “life going on” every ten minutes.
Best of the Rest
This is the problem, there are close to zero likable housemates in this years Big Brother. Kathreya, despite her innocent and exuberant charm, is actually just a simple, idiotic, Cabbage Patch doll. Rachel is relentlessly upbeat. I imagine living with her is like being tied to a bed for two weeks forced to watch Barney the Dinosaur and friends hop about singing jolly songs about friendship and love. I won’t go into the others for now; but basically, this year’s show has often left me in the strange position where I watch arguments unfold and actively disagree with both sides put forward.
Still, it’s not all doom and gloom. Mario and Lisa are amusing to watch. They’re either a carefully orchestrated piece of satire or just completely deluded. Either way I enjoy watching them. Dale has shown glimpses of likability, he just fell in with the wrong crowd. Luke as well has (or had) potential, but I think he may have turned to the dark side for good now, despite his name.
By far the best though, is Darnell. Darnell seems to be a voice of reason in the house, a genuinely positive soul who just wants to see the world a better place. He lumbers around like a man operated by a clumsy yet earnest puppeteer, offering his well thought out and often funny opinions on other housemates. In one rant he casually summarised two housemates brilliantly.
“I mean, we all have our individual things, you know, I mean, Kat has her cookie thing, Bex, you have.. you have.. your tits, or whatever..”
Not sure why I loved that so much. Maybe because Becky, who he was talking to, didn’t object. Deep down, she knows that’s all she does have. Her big, ridiculous breasts. She seems proud of them, but to me they only reinforce the image of her as some sort of cartoon cow.
Sorry. I wouldn’t usually be so harsh on someone’s appearance, but Becky is a reprehensible character. Hateful, nasty, spiteful, vindictive, simple, ignorant – she deserves everything she gets in life. Everything bad that is. She doesn’t deserve the good stuff. I hope she’s nominated next week, and finally we can send this angry young woman back to Coventry.