Originally posted 26 June 2008
So, where to start? If that is, as I predict, a purely rhetorical question (if I am the only one reading it, it can be nothing but), then the answer to myself would be at the start of the fucking series. Seriously, I should have kept up from the start. It just takes me a while to admit to myself that I do actually like the show. It's like squaring up to eating your 9th muffin in a row. You're not really sure if you want to, you definitely don't need to, but you are slowly and strangely drawn towards doing so - all the while aware of the impending onslaught of severe nausea and regret.
Still, it's been interesting, mainly due to the behaviour of Most Annoying Housemate Ever Alex, a 23 year old single mother from Croyden, whose face is three parts pure unbridled anger to one part Jar Jar Binks. Interesting yes - but if we continue the muffin analogy, it is interesting in the "who'd-have-thought-they'd-put-shredded-glass-in-a-muffin" kind of way.
In the first week over 500 complaints were sent to Ofcom about her bullying behaviour. Of course, bullying is what official reports say, but I somehow imagine people were ringing up because Alex was just that damn irritating.
And irritating she was. So angry that she probably argues with her own eyes for 'looking at her the wrong way' everytime she blinked, when Alex got going she was a human manifestation of a hangover, giving viewers the puzzling and paradoxical effects of an all body headache.
This will be what prompted complaints. Basically, I do not think the British public are compassionate enough to ring in to complain about bullying. Why would they care if Rebecca from Coventry was getting a verbal battering for not being able to cook chips? They probably agree. I mean, fancy not being able to cook chips eh?
Viewers simply wanted Alex off their screens, and being too bloody stupid to do something like, I don’t know, like changing channels, they rang in to complain. Ofcom, an industry watchdog, became nothing more than a premium rate “eviction” phone line used to get rid of an unwanted housemate. It's like going to the police to complain that Andy from The White Horse doesn't fancy you, or ringing the Queen to get her to sort something out about your wife's awful cooking. Ridiculous behaviour.
Eventually Alex’s intimidating behaviour and bullying did get her kicked out, after she made references to gang violence being inflicted on fellow housemates’ families when she left the house. Obviously Channel 4 took the sensible option here and let her bloody well get on with it. “What’s that, you want to leave so you can commit some horrific crimes? That’s the final straw young lady, you’re leaving!”
But in all seriousness, it must have been a tough decision for channel 4. In the past hate figures such as last year’s Charley Urchea remained in the house for an improbable length of time due to coincidental twists to the series’ rules and timetabling. However, the craning of the necks to observe with morbid curiosity this incarnate car crash became too much when it transpired that you actually started to feel like you were indeed the one trapped under the wreckage of twisted metal and melting plastic,
What else is there to say? In the first week Mario and Stephanie had to convince other housemates they were a couple (with the compliance of Luke and Lisa, who were in on the task). Stephanie found the task challenging, whereas Mario surprisingly coped with it OK. “We’re probably going to have to sleep with each other, you know, for realism.”
In the end, fellow housemates correctly sussed out that they were lying, and the conspirators all faced eviction in that first week. I think this is a little unfair. Housemates are so damn conspiratorial that I don’t think suspecting the coupling was engineered to be that much of an achievement. Eager to appear canny and one step ahead, housemates speculate on BBs motives and games so frequently they make David Ike look like an unquestioning, subservient conservative.
On the first night Mohamed questioned to Darnell whether Lisa was a man, a move so blindingly childish and guffawish that he will forever be condemned as an idiot in my mind. As soon as that was guessed, any further theories should not have counted as valid. Anyone can guess a twist if they throw enough scenarios around.
If in week 8 BB announced that reality itself was a fictional construct, and that all the contestants were no more than a figment of Pete Doherty’s heroin addled imagination, then Dennis or someone would proudly announce, “See! I told you! I said it all along! Remember? Remember, on day 9 I said this was probably the case. Remember? Right before Jennifer predicted that everyone but her was a mole employed by Beadle’s About to make her look st-Upid.”
Anyway, they technically lost, and Steph ended up going. Lisa should have gone. Despite showing a promising start, Mario, along with her, have descended into quite unlikable housemates, babbling on about either their workout routines, their distinguished managerial roles, or the fact that Mikey’s blind.
Watching Mario in the diary room is unintentionally hilarious, and highlights this perfectly. So many words yet such little content – he’s like a corporate edition action man doll, whos omehow found himself on Big Brother while wondering the corridors of reality TV looking for The Apprentice. Consider this; when nominating Alex for eviction, he goes “She’s very two faced, which is a trait I do not like at all... in a person.” In a person? In a person??? Oh, good, Mario, thanks for clarifying that, I wasn’t sure what you meant. In a person? Yeah? Good. Glad that’s sorted. I mean, seriously, what is it a good trait in? A shared blow up doll perhaps, but not much else. Idiot.
Sometimes when I see a person I get a vague idea of a resemblance in my head, that is so far-fetched it can simply appear to be early signs of a breakdown. For instance, I am adamant that England manager Fabio Capello looks like a cartoon bear, and that Barcelona and Portugal midfielder Deco could do a good sideline in pretending to be a tomato (not that he’s red or round faced – it’s far more subtle and inexplicable than that). So here’s my new one, it may seem crazy, but on the off chance it works and someone believes me it will be great. Mario is, or at least somehow resembles, a centaur. I’m not sure how or why, but he does. Trust me, and look out for it.
Maybe I’m being harsh on Mario. His heart is in the right place, it’s just been frazzled by years of conferences and health and safety seminars. Not to worry anyway, he’s been very successful in his life, and he has a big fan club behind him, so I imagine any criticism to him can simply be shrugged off with the knowing smile of a man who’s been on Ant and Dec.