Posted Weds 25 June 2008
Many people may consider Big Brother asinine, insipid and devoid of worth... actually so do I. This is a good thing, however, as it perfectly lends itself to elitist put-downs and sardonic quips, which serves to fuel my superiority complex as well as maybe creating the illusion of intelligence. I actually did a Big Brother blog a little at the end of last year’s run which was probably read by me and maybe my Mum. I won’t be providing a link as I don’t anticipate anyone will care to read it, and also I plan to copy wholesale vast passages from it.
Actually, probably lifting sections from last year’s write up wouldn’t be considered too far amiss, given that the show seems to have kicked off in a similar fashion to previous series.
We had the needlessly long opening show, in which we are introduced to the housemates, and watch them go into the house. I just don’t enjoy this. If I wanted to watch a bunch of preening tossers enter a building, I’d go down to the local nightclub. Of course we get the introductory VTs showing clips from the housemates’ auditions, but in reality these don’t tell us anything about who or what the housemates turn into.
All we actually learn about is Big Brother’s cynical and tacky selection process. If you were watching the opening show with a friend, convincing them that they should give it a go (as it is, of course, a valuable psychological experiment), by the time Mario and Lisa had introduced themselves you’d be lucky if they simply looked at you as some sort of deranged sex offender.
Sex. Arguments. Beauty. Arrogance. Quirkiness. Just a fucking huge, ridiculous pair of breasts. These are all traits advertised by competitors. Would be housemates are in the strange position where they have to paint themselves as desperately unlikable individuals in order to get through. Endemol are just aiming to provide cheap thrills and trivial titillation, and their intentions are never more transparent then in these clips.
“Dawn, 24, is a fashion model from Croyden. She loves underwear, men and singing, and hates asylum seekers, boring people and snakes.”
“Next up is Mohammed, 29, an asylum seeker from Luton. He loves being boring and impersonating a snake. He hates people whose name begins with a ‘D,’ and spiders."
“Our third housemate is Zavi, from South America. He is, well, a big fucking spider..”
And so on.
But, of course, I love it. I am drawn in every year by the sheer entertainment value, not to mention the gratuitous nudity. But by showing the selection process, Big Brother is making explicit the implicit. It’s like if the Conservative Party started issuing statements proclaiming, “We only care about ourselves” or if Nigella Lawson started cooking naked. We all know why we’re here, so why remind us? Such a move by Channel 4 to make a feature of this can only be a subtle message channelled from God, reminding us that we are actually Bad People.
As I said, despite all this, we don’t actually learn anything about the housemates. They may all proclaim to be argumentative, sex mad, or to have a personality, but soon after they enter it becomes clear that they are none of the above. For instance, this year’s Dale declared brazenly “If there’s any pussy in the house, I’m going to nail it - especially if it’s good looking,” clearly setting himself to be an absolute shit-rag (albeit one who is sensitive enough not to place too much importance on looks, bless him). However, apart from being a little boring, and excessively using the word ‘like,’ Dale seems likable enough. Big Brother must be so, so angry. “But you promised you were a cock!” they must be screaming at him. Housemates should be made to sign some sort of ‘dickhead contract’ before they go in, guaranteeing that they are actually scum of the earth, as they advertise. Either that or they should be seen pushing over an elderly lady – something like that – just as a guarantee. Hell, film it and show at the opening show – it’d be a damn site more exciting than the dross we’re offered.
As it is, next year will likely just be exactly the same. There is a 50% likelihood of Davina being pregnant, but other than that there are no real variables. Still, I’m sure the show will shape up to be as good as ever. All this ranting is some sort of defence mechanism – some sort of attempt at a moral disclaimer justifying my impending waste of summer. So, just like the housemates, I have set myself up with a totally unrepresentative and contradictory opener. Shit.
SeasideMan
Pro 
I watched the 1st ever Big Brother as it was a fascinating social phenomenon. Thereafter, it was about as interesting to me as watching paint dry. Watching a load of self-obsessed wannabes talk nonsense isn't at all entertaining to me and I've never been much of a fan of entertainment anyway.
Tom.